Last night while we were waiting for Hurricane Nate to make landfall…..I read this post.
I have to stay busy. It was about Stillbirth.
I cried and cried.
90% of this was my story.
I’m sharing now so I will remember details
Because even though it was the worst day of my life…
I never want to forget.
If you want to read.
If you don’t that is okay too.
It’s a long read.
And like I said – mainly for me.
This is why I have to stay busy.
Nurses view of stillbirth
(Words taken from the post I read are in italics)
♥️It didn’t take me long to stop looking for your baby’s heartbeat. I knew then the next chain of events that were about to occur – couldn’t tell you anything, even though I wanted to, because I have to wait for your doctor to break the news. I hope they’re not too far away, and that they’ll be able to get here quickly.
2 Nurses tried to find Diem’s heartbeat. It was always hard since the placenta was in front. Even at the doctors office so I wasn’t surprised. When the head nurse came in and walked away without finding it I knew something was wrong. After the US tech wouldn’t show me the screen I knew something was wrong. My mother in law was with me but she wasn’t sure what to look for so she didn’t know.
♥️The moment I stopped trying to find the heartbeat, I know all of your suspicions were confirmed, even though neither of us said a word. Your husband did not know to be concerned yet, because he wasn’t the one that had stopped feeling the movement. I know you needed him, so I chose my words carefully: Because I could not find your baby’s heartbeat with the monitor, I’m going to get someone to do an ultrasound. I will also call your doctor. Do you understand what I’m saying? Your eyes were glossed over with tears, but you did not cry. Your husband put down his phone.
♥️When I walked out of your room to call your doctor, I prayed the entire way to the nurse’s station that maybe I was wrong. When I got to the nurse’s station, every single nurse, unit secretary, and tech asked me if I had been able to find the heartbeat. When I told them no, the tone changed on the entire unit.
I know this happened. After we found out each nurse came to see me and was so loving and kind.
♥️When I called your doctor to tell them, I heard their voice catch in their throat. They didn’t have to tell me…I knew they were going to drop everything and come straight to the hospital.
When I walked back into your room, your husband was holding you and crying. I told you that your doctor was on their way to see you. I was so thankful that your husband finally understood and was next to you, comforting you.
Michael was two hours away in Marianna for a conference. I didn’t want to call him and even let him know I was at the hospital. I truly thought it was kidney stones. And I knew he would worry the whole way home. In a way I’m glad he wasn’t there. I’ll explain more soon.
♥️When the ultrasound confirmed everything we already knew, you cried silently and your family cried hysterically. It’s usually like that. You won’t cry hysterically until you deliver your baby and see her with your own eyes.
Staying busy after stillbirth
Everything she said was correct.
I was in shock.
My mother in law cried hysterically.
As soon as I walked into the room and saw my doctor I knew something was wrong.
I said to myself these things don’t happen to me.
This isn’t real life.
I felt like I was in a dream.
She gave me my options.
I could induce and have Diem naturally.
Or she could surgically remove her.
In a very professional manner (this is graphic so stop reading) she told me it would be what we know as an abortion and she couldn’t guarantee I would want to see Diem after.
She said she would be induced and that’s what she recommended.
It never crossed my mind. I got to the room and then I started calling people.
My mom First.
Only because I had to arrange pickup for Dani, Declan and Duke.
She couldn’t believe it and left right away to come to the hospital.
I then made the hardest call of my life.
To my Husband.
I texted Michael a lot.
But he never responded.
So I started calling.
Of course when he called back he was annoyed.
Because I knew he was in a meeting AND out of town.
I started crying. He was worried.
“Kirsten whats wrong talk to me” I think I said something like “Michael I’m at the hospital. I am okay. I came with what I thought Kidney stones”
that seemed like a lifetime
I know it was only a few seconds long
“I lost the baby”.
He started asking what and then I explained.
I told him his mom was with me my mom was on the way the kiddos were taken care of. I told him the doctor said she would stay at the hospital as long as she needed until he could get there – that if he needed to finish and then come he could.
He didn’t wait.
He left right away and came to me.
I called Brittany (she was at my house cleaning) and told her. I asked her if I could get a list of things we needed and kids if she could lay them out so Mike could swing by on the way to the hospital.
Once he got there he looked like he aged 20 years since I had seen him that morning. I’m not sure how he got from Marianna so fast but he did.
The nurse let the doctor know and she came back in with my parents there, Michael and his mom and did another Ultrasound.
You see just 2 weeks earlier for the big scan – our baby was wonderful. We got the standard pictures and oh how I wish we would have taken a video of her bouncing around on the screen.
When you see a baby on the screen with no movement and no heartbeat you pray to God that she’s just asleep and the doctor doesn’t have great placement for the probe.
The doctor then went through what would happen. It would be just like any other pregnancy except a doctor didn’t have to be officially there at delivery. I could get an epidural and pain meds, etc. I opted out of the Epidural until later. (It was one of the top pains in my life)
I ended up never getting it because she came too fast. Mike called my mom right after she was born and then we called his mom.
My mom came right away.
She was precious.
The littlest hands and feet.
10 Fingers and Toes.
She was my baby.
They cleaned her up, put her little hat on, and swaddled her.
When the nurse asked if we had a name I looked at Michael and said the two names he had said no to (one since we’ve been married and one over the past few months) and said “Diem Grace” he started crying so hard and said I thought the same thing.
Grace he never liked since day 1 (16 years earlier) and Diem he never liked either. 🙂
I can’t remember some of what happened after that because it was a blur. I’m not sure if Mom was there when the bleeding started or she got there right after.
*****All I remember was Mike looking down and said I was bleeding a lot and called the nurses. One checked me and then paged more and it was a long long few hours. I remember Mike coaching me like he did with the others. A doctor finally arrived (she was not very nice or kind). Mom rocked Diem while Mike told me to push through contractions (Your placenta comes after the baby).
Mine would not and I was hemorrhaging blood. After hours and hours of nothing they finally told me to rest. I had been awake for a very long time at this point. The grief counselor came to talk to us and told us that we past studies showed its best for the older kids to see the baby.
Because they imagine a lot worse than it really is. At first we said we didn’t want them to see her. But when they came we asked and they said yes they wanted to see her. Dani held her then Declan.
I was on medicine to help keep me calm and help keep my shock at bay. Once my doctor arrived we went back for emergency surgery.
The next 24 hours was also a blur.
My only living grandmother came to visit and wanted to see her. She rocked Diem for 30 mins.
Talking to her. Looking at her tiny features. Praying for her. I know in Heaven my Nana and Michael’s grandmother was taking care of Diem. I believe with my whole heart our grandparents in Heaven are taking great care of Diem.
♥️As a labor nurse, when we are going to deliver someone whose baby has died, we hope with everything we have that the baby hasn’t been dead for long. We want you to remember her as she was: perfect, only sleeping, silent, and still.
♥️You will want to know a reason, but you probably won’t get one. If you do, it won’t make anything easier, but, like you, we still hope you get one. Even if you came to the hospital the moment you stopped feeling her move, it would have been too late. So don’t blame yourself for anything you did or could have done.
We found out 2 weeks later it was nothing I could have done to prevent. It wasn’t my fault. What normally they find when a mom has a trauma think a fall or a wreck… is what happened with Diem. I go over in my head so many times – trying to think of a time that I could have done something or if maybe I fell and didn’t remember… or if maybe the boat was too rough on me. Or I don’t know.
To all the moms that have lost a baby or child along the way. I pray for you. Everyday.
To all my family and friends that have helped along the way.
I can’t thank you enough.
It takes a village.
And I’m glad to call you mine.
I stay busy
So my heart doesn’t have to take the pain.
P.S. And If I have said this before I’m sorry.
Like I said a lot of it was a blur.
Even the weeks after.
If you ever feel like you need to talk after the loss of a loved one – please reach out to a family member or friend. They may not know what to say. But I bet they will listen.
I’m not sure how it works when you quote someone else’s blog. All words were my own except the ones in Italics. They were pulled from [here] Thank you!