It’s been 3 months. And during these 3 months I have tried to read as many stillbirth stories as I could find. So I wanted to write my story for all the other mammas or daddies going through it right now. I’ve been through it. This is just a little of my story.
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Here is my stillbirth story:
My July looked so different back in April.
We planned a lot of things around having a baby girl next month.
Oh how our plans changed.
Never did I expect to be a mother to four before August.
Never did I expect to not be approaching 9 months pregnant.
Never did I expect her little heart to stop beating.
We had talked about her getting older.
How Duke would have someone to play with.
How great a big brother Declan would be to a little sister.
How hopefully she would be sleeping through the night by Christmas.
How we would have to find childcare in January.
How we needed to save because we would be Paying for 2 weddings.
How we would have another baby with a summer birthday.
But what we didn’t talk about….
Because we never thought it was possible….
Having to choose a headstone.
Flowers for a grave.
Being parents to a baby in heaven.
Feeling pain this intense.
Becoming a statistic.
Worrying more than ever.
Not once did we ever think
We would not be bringing home our baby girl.
But you guys. You know what.
We have tried to make the best of the situation.
The hand that we were dealt.
And during these
past 3 months.
Dani…our first born…was saved.
We registered Declan at a new private school.
For the first time in almost 17 years I’m told I’m in complete remission.
We planned a huge family trip
To Boston and NYC.
To see family we have never seen before.
Mike and I are going away on a cruise with some amazing friends.
We were able to book the kids a trip to camp.
I’ve grown closer to my family.
Michael and I are closer than ever before.
If that is even possible.
He is a dream husband and a dream father.
A few things I’ve learned along the way.
we aren’t promised tomorrow.
Our children aren’t promised tomorrow.
We need to Unplug more.
Be in the moment.
And we need to all Slow down.
We all need to write our Stillbirth Story
But most importantly it’s taught me to
Say what you want.
Do what you want.
Love how you want.
can change in
Try to make the best of it.
Things to Help
The things that helped me the most.
Cry when you want, talk when you want, be you when you want.
If you want to lay in bed all day then do that
If you want to sleep in or wake up early do it.
Do whatever it takes for you to get through this time in your life.
YES! this will be a time you have to get through and each day hasn’t gotten easier. But I have gotten more used to this horrible feeling.
What helped the most… was to stay busy. Find something to help you remember this moment. I turned to writing. So I could remember. Others has turned to counselors, exercise, new work, and the list could go on. What ever you do. Get your Stillbirth story out there. If you can. So it can help at least one person. Because I’m sure it will. Even if you don’t like writing. Talk to someone. Tell someone about your baby. Because after all the baby is still yours. No matter what. And I find joy talking about my baby. Talking about her has gotten easier over the last 13 weeks. Each time I tell a different story I’m a little bit happier.
Something else that I have done that has helped me a lot was try to be positive. As much as I could be. When I see a baby I told my 9 year old I think of God loving and holding our sweet baby in his arms. It is so hard. I will NOT lie. But it does help. Even if just a little bit. Try to find a memory or a reminder or something that can help you trigger a good memory every time you see or stumble upon that item. It’s helped.
Here are a few groups on Facebook and a few items people ordered from Amazon that also helped me.
If you’ve gotten this far
Happy 3 months Diem Grace.
p.s – does anyone else notice the orb in the picture below.
If you feel like reading how our year has gone and what blessing we received please check out my Rainbow Birth Story. But only when you are ready.